Don’t Trip On Me, I Beg You

The title sounds a big confusing, isn’t it? Don’t worry. It isn’t literally.

It is another Quantum Publishers book written by Georgiana Vaju, which tells the story of Ana. Well at least that is what she is called, as she said that she can be called in any way. Well apparently she has it all: a job, a place to stay, friends, but something is missing in her life. She is in depression and has the feeling that nothing is as it should. She has people issues, can’t trust anyone and she is sad. She doesn’t know what she wants and all she needs is to be alone.

The story behind her condition is a man. I say a man because it is not her boyfriend, not her husband, but a man. A simple friend with whom she has a complicated relationship. She thinks she loves him but doesn’t have the courage to ask him to stay. He thinks he loves her but he never tells that to her, he only says “me too”. They run from each other, they kiss but are not able to continue and declare it a fact. They walk into a vicious circle in which the only ones to be hurt are themselves.

After he leaves in a trip, she decides to check into an asylum to treat her lungs problem and her depression. But things are not that simple as she thinks. As she spends time there, she and the doctor are starting to fall in love. At the same time she still has feelings for the other guy with whom she still communicates through email. Their’re like in an up and down trip, they love each other and they hate each other, she waits for him to be a little less selfish, he says she needs to not think so much about the problems, that she doesn’t know what she wants. They are stuck in this strange toxic relationship and can’t escape.

Even though she checked in to solve her depression, she things that this whole situation might throw her into a deep hole from which she might never come out again.

She tries to run away from the doctor but she can’t. She tries to repress her feelings but they come back stronger and stronger to haunt her, to torment her and to make her more crazy than she thinks she really is.

On the other side, the doctor, Ivan (or Iv as she calls him), does not seem to want to get out of this situation. But he is not constant in his behavior. He is now a boor and the next moment is the most wonderful and tender man in the world, confusing Ana even more.

The story of Ana is not unique. It is the story of you and me. The story of every single woman in the world. Not the events but the feelings, the anguish and the torment. Every single woman in her life might have been at least once in a toxic relationship. And the ones who weren’t are few and are lucky. I myself have pulled for 6 years on such a burden and I fell that now I am less alone. I fell that someone really understands me indeed. And Ana describes so well her feelings, her beliefs…As a psychologist she is able to describe everything from another point of view. Not only “I am hurt”, “he is a jerk” and that’s it. You learn that there are people with whom you only feel passion for now and people with whom you want to share the blanket your entire life. You learn that  you cannot be altruist because it is like eating a deer and starting to feel sorry for it, but you realize then that you are not hungry any more and that the most powerful always wins.

She writes every night in a word file her thoughts. Why is she doing this? Maybe because it is just her way to express feelings. She herself says that words are her children. That she takes them to bed at night, putting a blanket over them and serving them coffee in the morning. Besides the writing, she spends time in front of her laptop for the emails. The emails of him. She is somehow addicted and sometimes spends hours crying with the laptop in her arms. And when Iv comes in and asks her what she’s doing with her laptop she replies that she only writes. She is not prepared for facing the truth. Not as to the doctor but to herself. She is not prepared to face the fact that she must let go. Let go of him, let go of the supposed love, let go of the life she had. The love consumes her soul, devours her from inside out and takes her happiness. And her freedom. Because as much as she wanted to run from it by checking in, or as much as she wanted to run away from the doctor by leaving the hospital, she is never really free. She is the prisoner of her thoughts, of her mind and of her love. The love for a man that doesn’t deserve her.

The author itself says at the beginning of the book that it is not her story in events, but it is her story in feelings and emotions. She admits the fact that a drug must be eliminated from your life and teaches us, me, that we should never be addicted, especially from a person. This kind of addiction can kill you. Not physically, but physically.  And it is killing you slowly. It teaches us that, no matter how much you love someone, you should always love yourself more. It teaches us that the one who loves you sets you free, lets you feel for someone else, live your life, and doesn’t keep you trap in an endless game of I love you more.

One day maybe you will realize that too. Maybe one day there will be no more sorrow from love. And by this I mean the sorrow of hanging in on someone. Because the sorrow is what attracts us in the first place. The sorrow makes us feel anxious to have the one we want. And the day we will all understand that, the earth will be a happier place.

© picnicontheshelf, August 22, 2018


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